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My Best Friends
Girl Friends : Kristin, Lizzy, Sierra, Cindy, Tanya, Alma,Sara,Julie and Gigi.
Guy Friends: Ramon, Adam, Simon, Jesse, CJ, Nathan, and Shady.
My friends are one of the two things in my life that make me feel happy when Im sad or mad, you really can't ask for anyone in the world better than them who is always there for you, or shines brighter than 1000 suns, or with bigger hearts or that is enjoyable to be around. And that's why I love them . Cuz they help me be who I am and they accept them as I am .
We may fight more than anything , breakups, ignore each other, use each other, threaten to walk down to the others house, talk about something someone loves, be insulting, saying have fun with your new best friends, talk shit, make the friendship a lie and pretty much any thing that can occur. But ,even if we were to kill each other we still ALL love eachother some in different ways then others. Nothing in the world can change our friendships because we each have that one thing that makes us special if its horses, video games, electronics, music , or even anything. We all care about eachother and thats what matters most .
My Family
My Family , they are the other of the two things in my life who make me feel happy when Im sad and they have shown me different things which makes me who I am . Oh, and by family I mean my whole family friends of relatives and the main family members. which are too many people too list and if I were to list the people who were most important some people who werent listed would be mad at me and I really dont need that so Im just gonna say this to all. To my family, I love you all as much as my best friends which is more than anything else in this world and nothing can change how I feel and thank you for everything especially for being there and dont ever think I dont love you guys because I do and nothing will change it so thanks, I love you. My family embarrases me SOMETIMES but I dont mind. well maybe kinda. Well I love you guys.
A Love As No Other:
As I look at your name
please say it's not true
chiseled in stone
shiny and new.
This can't be happening
it must be a dream
I've been asleep now
forever it seems.
It's not right
and life's not fair
I call for you
though you're not there.
As you told me
I tried not to cry
yet, there's a hole in my heart
filled with questions of why.
I cry day and night
missing you
and for all the things
we still wanted to do.
My soul will scream
the rest of my life
with pain so deep
it cuts like a knife.
I try to move on
yet, I'm so lost without you
you were my strength
in all I would do.
My eternal love
is as no other
a special bond shared
from my heart to yours.
A Nobody:
I hang onto every word you say,
I look at your receding back,
I hold the hope,
That one day you will notice me,
For more than what I am,
A nobody.
A loner in the crowd,
I am the person who sits alone during lunch,
An outcast,
I am the person who has the crush on the person who will never notice her.
An outsider,
I am the one who is always on the outside, looking in.
A nobody,
I am, and that is the way it is always going to be.
In many ways, I don’t want it to change,
I don’t want to go through the false pleasantries ,
I don’t want to kiss cheeks with the people who always mocked me,
Who always made me feel like shit,
No, I would not like that...
I am happy being who I am, a nobody,
But I wish that you would see, just once in my life...
I wish you could see the love in my eyes,
I wish you could hear the beating of my heart,
I am sure everyone can see this,
And they are laughing at me,
I think you would be too....
But that doesn’t matter to me,
Because I love you.
Loner, I am ,loner I will always be.
This is my fate, my role in life.
I have accepted this,
That I will live a boring life,
I just wish that for once,
You would notice me,
And give me a sample,
Of what it is like to live on the wild side...
But then why would you do that?
Especially for a loner,
A nobody?
A Torrmented Soul:
Im still haunted
by your Love
I've become
a tormented soul
No walls can contain
my memory's of you
No defense against one's own thoughts
Unexpectedly
the earth trembles
The volcano suddenly erupts
Spewing fourth a dark cloud
Flame and ash blotting out the sun
Casting the world into darkness
The shock wave
Devastating the surroundings
all that had once been
erased in the blink of an eye
a river of molten lava
reducing everything in it's path to ashes
forever changing the landscape
of my soul
Again:
...Again... And again...!
I'm in the same place...
Again!
Same look of fear on my face...
Again!
I'm forced to face my demons...
Again!
As I sit on my bedroom floor as I had done many times before then
Blade at my side
Demons in my head
To not give into their negative words, I tried
They just wanted me dead
I still try not to give into them as they scream in my head 'grab the blade and cut yourself open! '
This will stop, when? !
I sit huddled on my bedroom floor
Alone
Crying
And scared...
Again!
My demons' anger flared
I consider ending it all myself
Here I go again! !
All I have:
I already love you more than I should
I feel so very much
Yet I reject the sweet warmth of your words
To protect my battle weary soul
The questions unanswered bruise
Those answers could very well kill
I’m torment and torture along with pleasure
rolled into one paradox beyond comprehension
I share with you everything I can give
I give you my body, my mouth, my mind
My soul is not up for the taking
Leave my heart alone
What have I left if I give up my pride
What do I lose if I don’t
What can I give besides my own heart
Nothing that holds any worth
In giving you my heart I lose what little I have
That I can truly call mine
So my dear walk on and stand tall
For without me the candle will still burn
Take what I can give you
And know that I will always care
For I have given you
All I can share
-->
All of my life:
each day I sit
I play my role
I smile
I make you believe
what I wish my life was
simply an act
I'm a pretty damn good actor, huh?
happy you say
happy I seem
happy I wish I was
"Kinda down" you say
ah! you've seen through me
could it be?
this happy, peppy, smiling person
not happy?!
oh dear!
you say everything will be ok
this is life, this is what we live for
you reassure
well, if this is life, i dont want it
i want you to be there, to ask of my day
to listen
make me believe you care
you've caught on to my play
the play of free admisson
a show thats priceless
opened to all, all willing
you may watch
watch me preform
but be willing, be ready to comfort me
you, the one i look up to
my director
I tell myself:
If you found the right path,
Could you trust it to be the right one?
If you cared for the things you did,
Would you still be doing the things you do?
And I heard all of your problems,
Absolutely know what you did wrong,
Would you listen to me anyway?
More importantly, would i even bother to tell you?
The good teacher, teaches the students to teach themselves.
What if something were to change your life forever?
What if it all ready happened?
What if...?
What if nothing.
People can go on much longer,
Much longer than they think that they can't.
Insparation is an irratation,
Shedding my skin a new way,
Just for it to grow back another day.
Anger:
surrounded
by gathering storm clouds
all is grey -
my temper in a fit
of fury
descends on anyone
around me -
a tornadic funnel
of anger
destroying all i love :
i don't care
who's hurt in the process -
it will be
the death of me as well .
Bitter World:
THE WORDS WE SAY NEVER INTEND TO HURT
YET SOMEHOW THE WORDS GET TWISTED
THOUGHTS AREN'T SHARED..... I ACHE FOR YOU
WORDS MEANT TO PRAISE COME OUT BITTER AND HARSH
FORCING OUR HANDS AND HARVESTING OUR HEARTS
THOUGHTLESS GESTURES AND CARELESS ACTIONS
HARDEN OUR WORLD AND WALLS ARE BUILT
KEEPING US SEPERATE..... I ACHE FOR YOU
THERE IS A DAY WHERE PEACE SHALL COME
BITTER WORDS ARE NO LONGER UTTERED
THOUGHTS WILL BE SHARED...... I ACHE FOR YOU.
Dark Battle:
For as long as I have known you,
I heard the battle cries
of warriors fighting deep within
your soul as dark as night.
metal chipping metal
beneath a flashing light
cast upon your soul
from great black clouds,
the Devils twinkling eye.
Those who would defend
the pureness of your soul
grow weak as a battle rages,
too few have blazened wills.
I step into the doorway
of our humble home
and listen.
One more bitter death scream.
The Devil wins again.
Death:
I attempted to end this horrible life that Iead,
and everyday it just gets worse.
I raised the blade
and placed it against my throbbing vein in my wrist.
I began to think to myself, crying quietly,
thinking what I've been through and how hard it's been.
I began to stare at my vein,
almost watching that very vein fill up with blood,
that vein that I felt like severing.
I slowly motioned the blade across my forearm.
The pain, both physical and emotional, worsened quickly
and I began to feel the warm,thick liquid that once appeared the color blue inside my arm, trickle down my hand to my fingertips then onto the floor.
I felt my body get very heavy and then I began to fall to the floor in slow motion, then I hit the floor hard. As I lied there motionless and in agonizing pain the warm liquid surrounded my cold, motionless, limp body. My mind consumed my thoughts, feelings and regret slowly faded away as I took my last breathe.
When my family found me lying on the bathroom floor in my clothes stained in what used to be life.
I floated above them watching the tears fall from thier eyes. I heard them say " This could have been prevented !" If only they did, I would not be dead.
Life is cruel:
Death is cruel
But life is crueler yet
As often we are reminded
That soon we must pay this debt.
Life is so short
And death …long
But we go whistling by
With this travel song.
We pay no mind
To what may lie ahead
But just dredge along
And nestle to our bed.
Forgetting all
And living to the last
For the unknown
Is forever vast.
Depression:
Depression gets worse and worse everyday
Is there any hope? No way!
As you sink deeper and deeper,
You can't think,
Can't speak,
Can't sleep,
You just sit there
In a daze, confused by the world.
Trapped by your thoughts.
Depressed.
You have needs you can't escape.
It's like running ,
Getting no where,
And leaving no trace.
You're worried.
You cry.
And the worst part about it,
You don't know why.
What brought this on?
Why does it come?
It leaves you feeling so weak,
So twisted,
So mangled,
So meek.
Depression gets to us all.
And what do we do?
But watch it destroy us.
Some say it is a chemical imbalance
But I believe,
It is all the shit that happens to us.
Friends dying,
We shed our tears,
Then fear the unexpected.
Depression
Drowning;
I’m drowning
Push me under
Can barely see the surface
Lost all sight of land
Push me under
No rescue
No redemption
No absolution
Push me under
Darkness now,
No sunlight
No survivors
On this flight
Push me under
Push me under
No breath left to catch
No outstretched hand to grasp
Push me under
Pull me under
No time left to ask
No line left to cast
Pull me under
Pull me under
Im drowning
My Scared Soul:
Midnight stalking, so fresh and free,
upon a dream there came to thee,
Both thy eyes like moonlit glass,
fade within thy painted path,
Came an angel, pure and fine,
said "hey dreamer" "its come time",
God called on me to get you through,
my new assignment, surely you,
Both my eyes like moonlit glass,
glared and stared at thy worn path,
I looked at thee, and he at me,
supple shadows, and poius breeze,
fine as mass, she shared thy night,
I, so grim, thy looked like fright,
mighty forces, I could not look,
she beared the words, within my nook,
"time has come" she plainly said,
but, Oh' as I , thy was not dead,
"mistake", I shouted,
and scared my soul,
"Oh, lost spirit, its time thee go"
fine as mass, I took thy hand,
flew with thy angel to netherland,
if I'm dead, why do thy see,
she simply giggled "its time to be",
to netherland, I scared thy soul,
"to be" was I, so please let go
Save Me:
When will you see me as I am?
When will the sun set in the East?
It is impossibility, don’t you know?
I am not who you see.
When will I see me for what I am?
When will the Earth fall off its Axis?
Will I emerge like the birth of a Phoenix?
I am not that strong.
Fierce and ferocious, covers my fears
I act the tough one, don’t see my tears.
I try to forget to begin anew
Yet something draws me back, hurts me through and through.
Wrap me in your arms to protect me
Let me know that I am what you need.
Because I will take your life force from you
To sustain me, to give me life.
Pleasure in body, torture in mind
Teach me to give that which is not mine
Show me a love that’s too good to be true
And I will show you the monster I am.
I will reject the sweet words you utter
Though I will cherish them beyond a doubt
I cannot see that which you see
You cannot save me.
Secrets:
you always seem to be in the clouds
your so much different from me
you keep to your self, bother nobody
why are you so afraid
you seem so strange
you even look kinda weird
I'll bet you've got secrets
dark and scary secrets
you've told no one
you have to try and
hide the secrets
Some have skeletons in their closet
you have a god-damn grave yard
you sit there
in deep thought
concentrating on what’s
on your mind
your so fragile
like a little child
So impressionable
so fearful
So secretive
Seeker of Pain:
I take the razor..
and slice my skin..
I watch the blade cut.
but I don't feel a thing..
So I do it deeper..
again and again..
Pain seeker that I am.
I take this lighter..
make a flame..
I hold it under metal..
Until the metal is
one with the flame..
I close my eyes for a second..
then put the metal on my skin..
Watching it sink in..
I see it blister
smell my flesh burn..
But it still does not
cover this pain..
This pain from within..
Pain seeker that I am..
I see old scars
from blades and burns..
Some lessons are never learned..
I know all this sounds insane..
Trying to end my life
with one slice of a vein..
Ironically..
Death was not always my goal..
Most of the time it was to
simply help me let go..
I need to feel the physical pain..
It helps to hide what is within..
The pain within is the worst by far..
Worse than razors..
worse than fire..
It is an eternal pain..
these memories and emotions
won't let me be..
That is what drives me crazy..
Maybe insane..
After all I am
The seeker of pain..
The me of the past..
See me.. the girl over there..
the one with bandaged arms..
brown hair..
The one with no face..
just a number..
She has no family
She doesn't want friends..
She is just another girl
in the system of
warehoused children..
How those years
continue to haunt me
to this day..
Feeling so unwanted
scared
alone
guilty and imprisoned..
For what ..
she is never told why..
She is just a number..
a girl with no face and no name..
That child.. that girl..
that seeker of pain.
Shattered:
My heart is so shattered,
It is ripped,torn and tattered,
I have so much pain bottled up inside,
When you are near i just want to run and hide,
Why did you leave me all alone,
With winters harsh cold tone,
I wish you would come back to me,
I wish you would open yours eyes and see,
Your driving me insane,
My love you have slain,
unto you i will cry,
Unto you i will die,
The blood splattered on the tree,
Is the life you stole from me,
So i end this note with suicide,
I finally found my chance to run and hide,
My heart is so shattered,
it is ripped, torn, and tattered.
Not very new:
A Beautiful Day:
This cool weather blowing life
Into my warmth swollen bones
Such a beautiful day
the browning leaves,
Are dying,
Falling from their trees,
The grass, is still green.
People disappearing,
Before, the glorious sunset,
My shadow, is silhouetted, on the bright,
Orange sands
The dark green waters,
Of the bay, seem blue,
From the clear sky,
Of this beautiful day's view.
On this beautiful day,
nature washes her hands,
At the edge, of the bay,
Reciting a silent prayer,
Before continuing, on her way.
With a simple life pursued by the world's beauty.
A Song:
A song of love
For those who fly above
The lies and deceit of some
Who proclaim that lovers become
bonded with each passing day
And join the human fray
a song of hope
For two who try to cope
With life’s half truths and doubt
Of what this life is about
For many who are depressed
And long for final rest
a song of joy
For two who wish to enjoy
Despite a world of pain
That drives some of us insane
And enslaves those who try
To reach upward towards the sky
a song of faith
For two who desire to be safe
Within the arms of each other
Without pretense to smother
Infuse our hearts with love
From Heaven sent above
Nothing But a tear in your eye:
The power of hate
and the silence of truth
are nothing but a tear in your eye
and true love is only something
that can live in the hearts of the
lost and lonely forever
And hope is nothing but faith
lost in the darkness
patiently waiting,
for us to shed the light
it needs to see.
Self Destruction
Sometimes I can not explain the things
that go on with my life,
I feel sadness but never feel hate,
I feel depression but also laughter
I feel hunger ,I feel like I have been torn in half,
but I have learn to fight all these feelings
and go ahead with life,
work ,play ,write about all my mistakes,
the people that come into my life,
the things I have seen and will see,
but I have not learn to forgive my self,
sometimes I drop down on my kness and I pray,
and wait for the answer that may come my way,
but than I remember the things in my life
as my family, other people around me and even my friends,
than I know not only have I been bless,
but also he forgave,
so why? do I do this to myself,
well is call not forgiven myself,
a depression that we all may see
a destruction of our own life as we ask forgiveness,
do I explain myself clear or do I need to show you a tear.
Music , Poetry, Video Games , Airsoft, Arts & Crafts, Singing, Cooking, Being mean JK well I can be, Some sports, Traveling, Sewing, Dance, Computers, Mythology, History,Technology, Anatomy, Chemistry, Math, Language, Planetary Science, Lots of other school subjects, and too much more to put.
My Best Friends
Girl Friends : Kristin, Lizzy, Sierra, Cindy, Tanya, Alma,Sara,Julie and Gigi.
Guy Friends: Ramon, Adam, Simon, Jesse, CJ, Nathan, and Shady.
My friends are one of the two things in my life that make me feel happy when Im sad or mad, you really can't ask for anyone in the world better than them who is always there for you, or shines brighter than 1000 suns, or with bigger hearts or that is enjoyable to be around. And that's why I love them . Cuz they help me be who I am and they accept them as I am .
We may fight more than anything , breakups, ignore each other, use each other, threaten to walk down to the others house, talk about something someone loves, be insulting, saying have fun with your new best friends, talk shit, make the friendship a lie and pretty much any thing that can occur. But ,even if we were to kill each other we still ALL love eachother some in different ways then others. Nothing in the world can change our friendships because we each have that one thing that makes us special if its horses, video games, electronics, music , or even anything. We all care about eachother and thats what matters most .
My Family
My Family , they are the other of the two things in my life who make me feel happy when Im sad and they have shown me different things which makes me who I am . Oh, and by family I mean my whole family friends of relatives and the main family members. which are too many people too list and if I were to list the people who were most important some people who werent listed would be mad at me and I really dont need that so Im just gonna say this to all. To my family, I love you all as much as my best friends which is more than anything else in this world and nothing can change how I feel and thank you for everything especially for being there and dont ever think I dont love you guys because I do and nothing will change it so thanks, I love you. My family embarrases me SOMETIMES but I dont mind. well maybe kinda. Well I love you guys.
