August 13, 2018 I have been lying awake wondering what death is must be like and wondering if my son will decide to attend a funeral today. My friend Gavin invited his fellow missionaries, his dear friends, to go whale watching. He posted a video “boomerang” to his facebook story in which the missionaries are happy and calm, enjoying the view and each other’s company, some of them sitting with their legs hanging off the rocky cliffs. The next video we see is news footage of the police boat retrieving Gavin’s lifeless body from the water below. Gavin was about as far from death as one can get: young, healthy, strong, vibrant, ambitious. Gavin could have been Weber County Sheriff in 30 years and died with a dozen great grandchildren. He could have done anything, but death is never more than one false step away from any of us. Coming to terms with this is necessary for our sanity. Reality like this is why everything matters that matters. I cannot not think about it. I am not afraid to imagine it. After all my study and pondering, I imagine it like this: I am about to fall. I am falling. I am still falling. I am not going to survive this. This isn’t what I wanted. My friends, oh my friends, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. If it were a dream I would wake up at home in bed with my heart pounding, but my heart is not pounding. I am actually filled with an overwhelming sense of peace, and I am not in bed, but I am definitely home, more home than I have ever been as if many voices were calmly saying “You’re home. You’re home.” The fear of dying is gone; it never existed. I cannot die; I am right here, but my body is there in the water. I am dry. I am not in my winter jacket. I am in a suit. There isn’t a scratch on me; not even the scratch from yesterday; not even the scar from a year ago. I don’t need my glasses. I am the best version of me in every way. When I think about my football uniform I am suddenly wearing it. I can change and move at the speed of thought, but I am as real as ever. I can feel myself. I can still snap my fingers (it’s still easier to do with the right hand than the left). I can still whistle (I breathe easier than ever). I can even … no, I still can’t do a backflip very well (I land on my head but it doesn’t hurt). I am invulnerable. I am literally invincible. Suddenly I am at the height of the top of the cliff standing in the air. Height and distance are irrelevant. I see my friends. I am aware there must be panic and sadness, but I feel none of that. I see my body. It is like it’s in another world I can see in detail from a great distance. Instantly I am aware that there are people that I did not see before. They are dressed like they are in the temple. The whole environment is like the temple. Everyone is calm and many are simply standing by quietly smiling. Some are speaking to someone near them. I realize each one of my friends has someone standing by them dressed in white. Some have hand on someone’s shoulder. Some have their arms wrapped around someone. Some are speaking words of encouragement and love. Everyone seems to have an assignment. There are even some people standing on the surface of the water around my body and the police boat. Everything looks like this was all planned and scheduled. “It isn’t always like this. This was a extra large event. It took a lot of coordination.” I look at who is speaking and feel as if I know him. He introduces himself as one of my ancestors. He tells me there are similar gatherings of angels back home with my family and at the mission home and at the missionary department of the church. Everyone is being taken care of. He calls me by name, “You are one of a very small group of missionaries. The others have been looking forward to meeting you.” The other angels stay with my friends as I leave the scene. My work in mortality is done. I don’t linger. I don’t turn back. I have schedules to keep. I have appointments with each of my loved ones. I will be there when they need me. I can get to anyone in an instant. I can catch up on what I’ve missed. The spirit records everything, every minute movement, the shift of every subatomic particle. Spirits do a lot of observing and recording so they will be able to bear witness for or against us at judgement. The final judgement is not yet, but witnesses have already advocated for me in my new assignment. I have some “checkpoints” to go through before I can start. They are like the interviews and ordinances in mortality. Everything is familiar even though it is different. Everything is simpler; more streamlined. Every “place” I go is permeated with what can only be called light/warmth/love. This is not just me making up whatever I hope is true (I definitely do hope it is true), and this is obviously not me speaking from first hand experience (I have never had a near death experience or visions or heard voices or observed any supernatural phenomenon with my senses). This is me making up the most plausible scenario I can imagine based on everything I have learned from every source I have any reason to consider. This is my carefully considered best guess. This is what I am anticipating, and this is what I am going to base my actions on. Death is still full of unknowns, but none of those unknowns frighten me in the least. Everything in my guess motivates me to love God and serve my fellow man. Nothing in my guess excuses me from any selfish or self-destructive behavior. I do not want my death to come quickly merely because I imagine it will be wonderful. I can’t say it will be pleasant for everyone. I dare day I would rather die than send someone else unprepared even in self defense (although my wife would rather I defend myself while she is alive). I feel ready. I look forward to it